


Unconventional Release (The Need To Hurt)

by Brianna182



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Crush, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, Relapse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 07:13:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21193688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brianna182/pseuds/Brianna182
Summary: Pete Wentz has an addiction.A tattoo addiction.But not for the reasons you might think.Most of the tattoos he got weren’t as a result of wanting to add art to his skin, even if it was just a short term desire for said art fueled be alcohol and poor impulse control.The darker truth is he got tattoos or more specifically the same ones over and over again for no other reason then to feel pain.Or the one where Pete Wentz has been getting away with a less then conventional way to self harm for years up until he is caught by the one person he has always feared disappointing.





	Unconventional Release (The Need To Hurt)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic mentions sensitive topics in relation to self-harm, depression etc.  
Read at your own discretion and avoid reading if you are easily triggered.  
I own nothing in this but the plot/story. Obviously i don't own any rights to the characters and obviously this is a work of fiction.  
With that being said, read and enjoy and make sure you stay safe.

Pete Wentz has an addiction…  
A tattoo addiction.  
But not for the reasons you might think.  
Most of the tattoos he got weren’t as a result of wanting to add art to his skin, even if it was just a short term desire for said art fueled be alcohol and poor impulse control (eg the Gabe Saporta tattoo).  
The darker truth is he got tattoos or more specifically the same ones over and over again for no other reason then to feel pain.

Its never been a secret to those that new him and basically every one else (curtsey of his fame and the media) that Pete has struggled with mental illness, specifically Bipolar for his entire adult life and even before then.  
And this has caused lots of poor and regrettable choices over the years, lots of which are known to the public.  
But one of those poor and regrettable choices fueled by mental instability and Pete’s trademark bad impulse control that he has managed to keep secret (until now). Is that while he has always been too scared (a coward as he’d say) to inflict pain upon himself, he figured out a way to get other people to inflict pain, in a legal and consensual way that only cost a hundred bucks or so every time.  
Now don’t get it wrong, that was never the reason Pete got all his original tattoos. Those he got because he wanted the art on his skin although he had to admit he pain that came with those ones he didn’t mind, because even a lot of those times he wanted it to some degree.  
But what he has kept secret (or has thought he has) is that he has gone to get a tattoo a lot more times then the amount of tattoos he actually has.

See what he does is he makes sure to choose a tattoo studio he hasn’t been to before, and a tattoo artist he hasn’t met before to do these specific pieces.  
This was a good plan but also something he new could go wrong because tattoo artists know each other and talk and he always feared they would catch on to his unusual behavior and say something to each other and god forbid the media. This however is something he’s started fearing less the more he takes this risk and get away with it. But this confidence in risk taking and dealing with no related consequences ultimately lead to a mistake causing that exact fear to come true.  
He just doesn’t know it yet.

He’d go in and use one of many excuses he’d perfected in sounding realistic to get a tattooist to tattoo the same design over one of his already existing ones.  
The excuses varied.  
Some times especially if the tattoo was new and fewer people had seen it he would tell the artist he got it as a temporary one and decided he actually wanted it for real, asking them to just add the real ink to make it so.  
Other times especially with older tattoos he just simply state the ink was fading and he wanted a ‘touch up’ and no one ever though twice about it.  
Even times where a tattoo artist didn’t quite seem to believe whatever lie he told they’d tattoo him anyway because he was willing to pay, and pay more if it meant getting asked fewer questions.  
Pete had mastered these lies and the risks he took all in the name of self-harm or at least that’s what he thought.  
After all this habit that he is far from proud of has been going on for years. And thus far he has gotten away with it the way career criminals get away with the crimes they do in secret so frequently.

There have been numerous times he stopped doing this.  
When he was younger even with the perks of cheaper and sometimes free tattoos because of who he was, when the band was still new to fame he couldn’t afford tattoos regularly.  
Other times he’d stop because he found a new way to self-destruct that gave him the release he needed just not through pain. Although these alternatives never quite stuck like this addiction that had grown to become a safety blanket option over the years.  
And other times he just wouldn’t get the pain because he was doing better and had no need or desire for it.

But one thing was always the same and that was every time he did want the pain, CRAVE the pain, he never could get the balls to inflict it on himself. No matter how much he hurt and wanted to hurt he could never bring himself to be the one to cause the pain. And the closest he ever got was when he tried a razor but couldn’t even press hard enough to draw blood.  
The worst time for him in terms of this addiction was directly before he tried to end his life and before and during the hiatus. Especially because everyone including himself blamed him for it so the guilt lied solely on his shoulders and everyone knows Pete’s biggest weakness and fear is guilt.

It’s been years now since they got back together as a band and life is good or at least it was.  
When he’s mental health would struggle it would rarely be enough or last for too long that it would even make him consider a relapse. And the more time passed the more this addiction felt like it too had been left in the past and something Pete had recovered from without even really trying.  
But that pride Pete had developed in how rare he did resort to intentionally paying someone else to hurt himself backfired recently. Because as like all other addictions a relapse after years without one hurts to admit more, and destroyed all the work Pete had made or at least that’s the way he saw it.  
So once he relapsed after almost five years clean, like any good addict decided if he was going to throw years of recovery down the drain he was going to fuck up big time rather then just throw years of success away for a small blip.

Two weeks ago was the time he relapsed for the first time in ages. And he went and had almost all he’s tattoos from above his waist ‘touched up’ and worse yet (or better yet if you asked Pete), he got it all done in one sitting, courtesy of having more then one artist work on him at once.  
It was the most pain Pete has ever felt in his life but he felt he deserved it especially with how guilty he felt from fucking up for the first time in years.  
Luckily the band are on a break from touring at the moment and don’t go into the studio for another month so he has ages to lay at home and let his new ink heal without anyone even seeing him and wondering why he got his entire top half redone.

The problem he has found is that right as the painful part of a tattoo healing process is over with he starts to get the itch for more pain, feeling too numb without at least the sting that only fresh ink or really bad sun burn can give. So before he knows it he is back getting more ‘touch ups’ again and again and again. 

He is loosing control. And he knows it but he isn’t as self aware as he thinks otherwise he would have realized in the last six times he has gotten inked two of those times are from the same person, just at different studios.  
He has broken one of the strict rules he made so as to never get caught and he doesn’t even know it yet.

What’s worse is that he doesn’t even know why he is doing it most of the time.  
He knows why he relapsed the first time; after all he didn’t throw years of recovery away for no good reason. But its like once he got a taste of the forbidden fruit he couldn’t turn back, and at this point seeks out a reason to get tattooed for the pain rather then waiting for the reason to come to him naturally like he used to.

Once the pain from a tattoo is fading he get another one for no other reason then to keep the pain going and if that’s not a sign of loss of control he doesn’t know what is.  
But even when he realizes this loss of control and lack of proper reason behind yet another relapse, he quickly ignores this realization when he begins to see it as a problem because oblivion is bliss. And even though he has a problem and deep down he knows it, if he can push that problem to the side and convince himself it isn’t a problem then bam at least for now that problem isn’t his anymore.

Today he hasn’t even made an appointment. Just walks on in and asks for another ‘touch up’ which seems to be the excuse he is sticking with and not alternating from these days. He is showed to a private room to be inked and everything is going normally. The tattoo artist is friendly. He sanitizes Pete’s wrist, which is todays spot of choice as it often is because Pete has learned that area hurts more then others.  
But when the tattoo artists small talk takes a turn he wasn’t expecting Pete felt like he had been caught red handed and froze like a deer in headlights.

“Now Pete? How come we are touching up this tattoo today when I only just touched this up two weeks ago and touched your leg tattoo up last week?”  
Pete freezes, looking hard at the man while also simultaneously avoiding eye contact at all cost. He doesn’t recognize this man. Yes he has gotten a lot of tattoos recently but he thought for sure he had been careful enough not go to the same place let alone get tattooed by the same guy three times.

He had a while ago come up with a rather good rehearsed excuse for if this or any other disasters like it happened, yet when he opened his mouth the words wouldn’t come out.  
When he did get something out his mouth they weren’t even stuttered words just straight up panic sounding gibberish.  
“Hey man. I honestly didn’t question you getting touches up from me twice. But ‘he’ did. And before you get shitty at me I didn’t mean to stir up drama I simply mentioned I’d seen you twice for tattoos because I know you too are friends and was just honest when he asked what they where and I specified they where touch ups.”  
Pete’s head swung around fast to see who ‘he’ was and when Patrick walked out from the shadows he felt honestly fucking betrayed.

Pete was flooded with so many emotions he felt as though he was going to combust. On top of the aforementioned betrayal, he felt shock, anger, shame, fear and most of all panic. No! This can’t be happening he thinks. People know! Patrick knows! I am never going to be able to get a tattoo again! He won’t allow me. But how will I hurt? How will I feel? How will I cope? Soon he can’t even hear the voices of panic in his head. It’s from a combination of the fact they are getting louder and faster just like his heart. And from the fact he has all but forgotten to breath only sucking in a breath ever twenty or so seconds, but each twenty seconds feels like a lifetime and he is beginning to feel dizzy.

“Pete. You gotta breath. Here have some water, if you continue breathing like that you’re going to pass out.”  
Whether he resumed breathing normally or not, Pete doesn’t know. He is not thinking about his breathing. He is thinking about his rage. And apparently rage is a good incentive to calm down enough from a panic attack not just to talk but to shout, because that’s exactly what Pete does.  
After all Patricks help is not fucking wanted right now especially because he caused all of this panic to begin with.  
“WHAT, IS THIS SOME KIND OF SET UP?” Pete snaps in Patrick’s direction although he realized instantly he probably should have gone straight to denial rather then accusations and anger.

“Pete, look, I am sorry but you haven’t been yourself recently and when I found out Jake (Patrick gestures to the tattoo artist) had seen you twice for touch ups, first when he and another guy did your whole fucking top half and then again when he redid an ankle piece I got suspicious. The conclusion I considered I honestly didn’t want to believe so I told him to tell me if you came back for another tattoo and when he text me just now it confirmed my fears.”  
“Jake leave now or I swear to god. I know Patrick’s using you as a puppet to relay information about me that initially wasn’t shared to start drama. But you’re in on this set up and I am that fuming at you right now that for your own safety you better goddamn leave before I loose it. This is between me and him right now and if you leak any of whatever you known or have figured out to the media don’t expect to live another fucking day.” Pete warned harshly through gritted teeth trying to keep his anger at bay. He was seeing red and admittedly he might have taken that threat a little too far but right now he doesn’t care and luckily Jake leaves wishing Patrick good luck before shutting the door.

Once Jake is gone he almost wants to get up and fucking strangle Patrick.  
But instead his body betrays him, as does his mind and he involuntarily lets out a sob and his rage fizzled out and hopelessness takes its place.  
He realizes he doesn’t have any excuse that Patrick will believe, especially with Patrick having apparently put all the puzzle pieces together, so those sobs turns into many and then eventually a full on breakdown.  
Patrick comes over quickly and grabs Pete who is reluctant at first to be comforted but soon melts into his touch.

Patrick’s heart breaks. In all honesty he didn’t even believe 100% what he was accusing Pete of.  
Surely wanting pain was not his reason for these tattoos and if it was how many of these touch ups or even new tattoos had been for this reason also? How many years had this been happening? How many times did he not question Pete’s tattoo choices not realizing they where basically assisted self-harms incidents? But as Pete cried and Patrick held him rocking him soothingly to try to calm him even just a bit he realized despite not wanting to be right, he was. And the issue was a lot worse then he had thought based on the skin he examined and realized almost all had some phase of healing tattoo.

“Pete please know I am not mad at you I am just concerned. Jake won’t say anything. He’s a friend of mine and can be trusted. Come home with me. We can talk about this more at my place if you want to, but if you don’t want to talk yet I am happy to wait. I understand if you hate me but I can’t keep letting this happen, what type of friend would I be if I ignored this and let this continue. Please, you look so sore. Your covered in healing tattoos and it doesn’t even look like you’ve bothered taking care of them as they heal. It must hurt.”

“THAT’S THE FUCKING POINT! I WANT TO HURT, I NEED TO HURT, I DESERVE TO HURT!” Pete screamed his response pushing away from Patrick’s hug.  
“BUT DO YOU THINK I WANT TO HURT, NEED TO HURT OR DESERVE TO HURT? BECAUSE THIS IS KILLING ME PETE AND I CAN’T JUST STAND BACK AND DO NOTHING. IT HURTS TOO MUCH, AND UNLIKE YOU I DON’T WANT THE PAIN. DID YOU EVEN CONSIDER HOW MUCH THIS WOULD HURT ME.” Patrick hates to use guilt to get his point across but what he says is true and if it is what it takes to get through to Pete enough to even get him considering stopping, it will be worth it.

“You were never supposed to hurt too. Because you where never supposed to find out. Hell this has been going on and off for more then a decade so I started to stop even believing someone I loved would ever find out. Because this is the only secret I have ever been able to keep.”  
Patrick tries not to visibly flinch when he hears this has been going on for so long, he can bring that up later. And as for being described as someone Pete loves rather then just being described by the usual label of ‘friend’ he will also bring that up later, when the time is right.  
As for right now he just focuses his attention on Pete, and calming him down from the terror of being caught in a secret he’d kept hidden for so long, as well as trying his hardest to kill any of the demons that lead to this specific relapse in the first place. 

He tries to keep himself composed but tears have been escaping since he got confirmation of his fears and the more Pete cried the more he does too.  
He feels his phone vibrate and checks and sees a message from Jake saying there is a taxi out front to take them home whenever they are ready. He shows Pete the text and feeling defeated Pete gets up and follows him to get to his house to breakdown in a more private setting.

They are both quiet the whole ride home. And Pete sits awkwardly in the kitchen while Patrick starts a cool bath.  
After a minute of leaving him alone as he adjust the temperature of the water a horrible thought crosses Patrick’s mind and he runs back out in a panic heading straight for the knife block and ensuring all the knives are still there and untouched.  
“Don’t panic. Believe me I have tried to just hurt myself like most other people who hurt themselves do. Trust me it would be a lot less expensive and easier. But no matter how much I want to hurt I can’t bring myself to do it. Hell the only time I tried to cut myself I didn’t even break skin. I am too much of a coward so I hand the responsibility of hurting myself over to someone else. But hey at least it doesn’t leave scars anyone questions.”  
Patrick takes him for his word as it explains why he was hurting himself is a less then conventional or accessible way. Although he still doesn’t feel comfortable leaving him alone especially with how sad and defeated he just sounded, so he grabs his hand and pulls him towards the bathroom with him anyway.

It isn’t long before the bath is full so Patrick turned off the water and started taking Pete’s clothes off with a little resistance at first, but soon that same defeat set in and he complied until he was down to just boxers and being lead to sit down.  
Patrick couldn’t help but scan his entire body something he’d done on countless other occasions and rather enjoyed but this time he just felt sick to his stomach as the more skin was exposed the more he saw healing tattoos.  
Pete winced as Patrick softly rubbed his wounded skin with soap and a cloth and it made Patrick honestly almost through up when he realized cleaning Pete’s wounds (which needed to be done), was also hurting him even though that was the one thing he didn’t want to do.  
But he didn’t complain when he stopped washing him and the pain ceased. Nor did he complain about probably never being allowed to get another tattoo again (something Patrick was sure he made clear) and that filled Patrick with hope that maybe deep down Pete wanted to get better. Or at the very least was willing to accept the help he was being provided.

That night they lay together in bed. Not close because Patrick didn’t want to put any more unnecessary pressure on Pete’s sore body but close enough they held hands and looked into each others eyes – or rather Patrick looked into Petes but he never quite looked up enough to meet his.  
But when Pete did eventually lock eyes a million apologies spilled from his lips. As well as a confession that he has gone self-harm free for almost 5 years and missed how he felt emotionally during that time.

It filled Patrick with hope. As Pete clearly saw that hurting himself might have started as a way to deal with problems but eventually only caused more. And then when he wasn’t hurting himself he did eventually feel better emotionally and wanted that again.

“I promise you Pete, we will get to that place in which you aren’t hurting yourself and are feeling that good you don’t want to. You said it yourself, you’ve been there before so you know you can make it back to that and I will be with you the entire way there. It might be hard but it will be worth it.”  
Pete didn’t respond but he looked grateful like even though at the start of the day he didn’t want anyone to know his secret, now that they did he had the weight of the world lifted off his shoulders.  
And it was then that Patrick could finally take a breath one he didn’t even know he had been holding in because he new now that Pete was going to be okay.  
And that’s all that matters.

**Author's Note:**

> I would greatly appreciate constructive criticism and or compliments.  
And if you really like this story let me know, plus let me know what you'd like to see in a sequel and i'll consider giving you one.  
Do you want me to elaborate on why Pete did/does this? Do you want me to dive more into how the two feel for each other? Do you want more tragedy and sad shit before a happy ending? idk i'll leave any possible chance of a follow up to you (the audience) so as to write what you want to hear.  
Also please if anything in this triggered you remember you can always speak to me or a friend about it or alternatively ring your nearest suicide hotline.


End file.
